Think and know and be

Hearts

Wed, 15 May 2013 10:47:00 -0700

Hearts are all ours
Hearts are broken
Rights sold
Desires unfulfilled
And remolded

At some point
We lose the right
To follow our own
Regardless of what
Is said by Hope

Hearts are never ours
Hearts are held out
Not given
Mutuals muted
And rehearsed

It’s impossible
To figure out
No one really wants
To be the first
In letting Ego go

…A go go

Physics

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 14:36:08 -0800

Tensile strength
Holds heart string versus head weight
Last thread of the rope

Terminal velocity
This object has stopped accelerating
We’re crashing at full speed

Purity - The Mission

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 16:56:13 -0800

Darkness
Crimson saturates black
Slowly transforming the dark with a glistening reflection
Radiant light makes bright the glisten of white

Your eye may pass over what has happened
Might appear a glint
A hint
But if you ponder for just a minute
You will see the change
Arrange

Purity - the mission of Jesus’ birth

The precious gift of life
For any parent
Yet this one born
Into a world of strife
Parting limb from limb
We had been torn

Ravaged by self-entombment, called sin
We accepted as home the darkness
Innocent peace interrupts the din
No separation, God is with us

Growing in his mother’s womb
This life and light, a pure blood supply
Birthdate inscribed on a tomb
Story written, nothing to decide

Eternity knew before a spark
This clash of light and dark
She told prophets of his coming
A special human erupting
God’s breath in cries sounding
Darkness confounding
How is God in that little body?
Why would he want bones to embody?

He framed his earthly presence
Limits of flesh
Held him within
And love, the bond of heaven,
Held together
Yet another
Lot of human cells, his skin

Something merged
In the converged
Prophetic word
The real world?
Supernatural,
The physical

The Word was born to give birth to words
His loving tongue only truth would utter
Making sense of the supernatural
Changing scopes of what was literal

Purity - the mission of Jesus’ birth

Darkness given the gift of light

Quite a mission this babe, Jesus, had
He was and is the Life in our blood,
And the Light, the energy, of humanity
In this place of indulgence and of vanity
Proof we can live a higher way
No excuses, we are now safe

Peace on Earth
Good will toward men

Then He Will Love You

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 15:54:00 -0800

You want his hands around your neck
You want his fist through your wall
His foot through your doors
You wait for him to strip the art off your walls
For your scream to not allow itself to hide in your lungs any longer

Because then he will love you
Then he will see

You want his pupils to dilate
You want his frustrated yells to echo through your hallways
To intimidate the neighbors through closed windows
You wait for him to throw the vase and flowers against the wall
To make your very heart cower in his glare

Because then he will love you
Then he will see
That you really just want the best for him
That is why you won’t abandon him

Because the policemen don’t understand
You call to clarify when, exactly, it is too much
But those policemen arrested him for breaking shit
Stuff you couldn’t care less about and now you miss him
It’s just that you care so much about him

Because then he will love you
Then he will see
Because he will love you
And he will see

You got the loving others part down
Let’s not talk about loving yourself as well
It doesn’t matter that you are habitually sad
This will all pay off someday; I will see
Your reward just might be a grave

And then he will love you
Then he will see

Sexuality and Existence

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 21:53:32 -0700

“At least I don’t wear women’s underwear!”
The awkward statement from my mom was no confession of a commando habit.
It was an angry, painful, and tear-filled sound that translated to, “There are no more straws to draw.”
Though this was one of the daily yelling matches that filled our home, and this after I was out of high school,
This statement made it unusual.

Not only was my father someone that I had a difficult time not hating
Because of his ridiculous rules, odd demands and callous use of names,
Like “idiot,” “crazy,” “dum dum,” “dodo,” and “stupid,” showered on my mom or brother,
Mixed with violent memories of arguments that got out of hand at times,
But the anger was doubled when held next to his “do what I say, not what I do” living mantra.

You see, our family was one that always did things together, arguing all the way there and back,
One where the Bible was the only reference book worth paying attention to,
As long as you didn’t point out how accepting that pesky Jesus was,
And as long as it aligned with the politically conservative point of view
And speakers like James Dobson.

In our five years living in Woodland, California, near Sacramento,
We not only held our conservative Christian beliefs, we acted it out… by protesting everything else.
In that world, you loudly proclaim your ways right and condescend louder those who disagree.
Everything is marriage and family and Jesus and making happy appearances.
Friends didn’t ask about our red, teary eyes, and if we spoke up, we were told to “just forgive.”

My dad was not one to have an open, honest relationship
And, if he got caught being a jerk, he then self-justified with the infamous, “I’m just a man.”
With a fearful, point-making mom, you can imagine the loving relationship my parents had,
But divorce was not an option in this world of family- and marriage-loving.
Crushed souls and dead hearts were something you ignored, then moved on with life.

Once, when I was in early elementary school, my mom took my brother and I on a road trip.
It was exciting that we were going to see my cousin!
When my mom and aunt started in talking heavily right away, nothing seemed unusual,
Except, when we all rushed out to find the trunk emptied of our luggage, stolen,
I thought it odd that my mom filed a police report, crying it was “everything she had,” before our return home.

A second incident of note occurred in junior high when my mom came crying that she was leaving my dad.
My first response was happiness that she finally found respect for herself,
But was followed by tears at her own sadness. Why was she so sad about it?
Turns out, both times, she had discovered suitcases of women’s underwear that my dad had stolen
For, what I would learn, was his secret life as a transvestite.

In that moment, when truth was revealed, I spent time in shock of what I was ignorant of.
Since then, I discovered more and more about human sexuality, came up with more questions about gender,
And learned how many times sexuality and gender are completely different.
We are souls and spirits wrapped by flesh.
We find definition in outer appearance, yet our inner beings aren’t so parallel.

My walls of seeming morality crashed down to a journey of understanding
Of the vast array of our non-heterosexual existences.
We get lost when our selves don’t match up with the accepted “normality” of the heterosexual life.
Very few of us have desires that blend with who we are said to be.
Our views translate to confusion when met with experiential existence.

If my father was able to talk honestly with me about the psychological trauma of his childhood,
We would all be able to blend on the plain of our humanity.
Shock is only held as a reaction when truth is suddenly revealed after life explodes to the surface.
There is no sense in holding others up to a vision outside of reality.
Compassion and understanding have to come first.

After my mom’s “At least I don’t wear women’s underwear” statement,
And my dad’s weak, awkward follow up, “At least I don’t wear men’s underwear,”
Life changed for me dramatically. The cracks in the imperfect religious structure were shown.
I am determined to wear my cracks on my sleeve
For I am not a rock but a fluctuating being ready to understand the world once thought dark.

If you take time to understand the ins and outs of me,
I, most likely, have already allowed you in so that I can see your flaws on par with my own.
There is no way that rejection of myself or others will ever override my view of you.
Let’s do life together, with all that means.
The hard and soft, the easily shown and the untouchable.

My acceptance of who God is has evolved outside of the religious society that has surrounded me.
It makes no difference who the people in my life claim to be, only who they actually are.
Paying no mind to differences, we can get down to the grit of our unity,
Our thinking, feeling, and being;
That is when life is shown the most beautiful.

Limitless

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 16:08:47 -0700

You’re gonna make me say something

Here upon a pause
Been idling
Holding up a view
From hiding
Well, I’m hiding
From you

Hold the button down
It’s a trigger
Gonna blow us away
No release
I don’t wanna release
Well, okay

If you think you know
I dare you
Tell me a story
Let it go
Where do we go
Less gravity

Describe this place with no limits, no defining

Eden

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 10:29:54 -0700

They were told by the Great Spirit’s voice
Of their virginal world’s beginnings
Spirit hovering and speaking new life and goodness
Separating parts of the whole to create anew
Water above called, “sky”
Drawn water called, “seas”
Separating the Spirit’s own wholeness to create two
Male and female images of Itself
Walking bones and flesh to represent the heretofore and always Being

A world given into new hands
This world blessed by Spirit’s creative word
With teeming life to be subdued
Wildlife to be ruled
New beings given seeded vegetation for food
Creatures given green plants
In all, the summation was deemed VERY good by the Great Spirit
Good enough to rest

Here now, a tale of two Images
Eons passed
Deception and betrayal came and went
Images of Images sprang forth out of love and lust
Tales were told to generations
But translation was lost in words not proven by action
Sacred relationship and respect for their world was buried

A vast garden was given
With flowing water, abundant food, and assisting animals

One man saw a chance to grow food faster with a little chemical enhancement
Freedom was great and others were amazed
Until the water flow was made toxic
They did not want to limit the man’s freedoms to grow and sell more
So they purified the water to drink

Another man saw a chance to enlarge beasts with a little chemical enhancement
The assisting beasts were now a meal and others fed their bellies
Until they fell into mass disease and deficiency
They did not want to limit the man’s freedoms to slaughter and sell more
So they took medicines to fight the symptoms

Another man saw many products to be made from the great, tall trees
Jobs, homes, and paper produced amazed all
Until they had no shade nor shelter for wildlife
They did not want to limit the man’s freedoms to fall and sell more
So they lowered their shades to keep out the sun

The Images of Images did not believe their world was a precious gift
Perfectly made in harmonic balance
They say, “The Spirit put us in charge.
We can do whatever we want.”
Some chose to listen to warnings of those that came before
They spoke to closed ears, “You know, the Spirit will wake from rest.
We want to show what we have made with the beautiful world we were gifted,
To be in a harmonic state,
Not a wasteland of toxicity making ourselves sick.”

A war started long ago
Between the greedy-selfish and generous-selfless
We aren’t always on one side or another
But we are the Images of Images
We affect and are affected by the other Images in our world
Be conscious, not blind
Be aware, not deaf
Join together as caretakers
So the Great Spirit in us can be proud of what It spoke and breathed to life

Feel the Humanity

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 15:11:40 -0700

So much to say

Wrap pain in compassion
Hurt to see the unfeeling

For someone else
Uncover and let soak

Delving in takes time
I implore you to
Unlatch your watch

Protecting self from humanity
Is so inhuman

Find that fullness in
Enveloping, understanding

Our worlds so different

Peekaboo

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 11:14:04 -0700

Here I am!
Well, about 64% of me.

If I could explain 100% from the beginning,
You might understand,
But you might also hate me
Or cry for me
Or pity me
Or tell me to suck it up and move on.

There are just some things that need to be said.

I do that from time to time,
Each one of those for myself.
I don’t know that any option gets you further
But some make you weaker.
Then again, with the Christ,
In weakness is strength.

Take a stand today, then walk on and stand again.

Thing is… you can’t stay in one spot too long.
Too long making friends with your tears
Or pitying your own situation
Makes for slow or no movement,
But too much strength for too long
Tends toward arrogance.

Independence is not always best.

I think I have figured out
That if I am not allowed to think out loud,
Mistaken or not,
If I am not taken gracefully,
Or have desires crushed or brushed aside by belief systems,
There is not a word that can break the dam.

The Hoover Dam in me, for you, was built in that moment.

There is a place of identification
Wherein I would like to find each one of you.
I know you can’t keep pulling yourself in your own strength.
No one can.
Do you really know how to let go?
Embrace the essential terror of freedom.

I let go and thought I was okay with you,
But found that true freedom is frightening to those afraid of making choices.

You want to see me strong,
So I will be fierce.
Rage with honest isolation.
You will see Peace.
You will not share the within.
You will see what you want to see.

Thirst

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 10:15:36 -0700

“Road trips to view the ocean are no more,” says my head
I say, “You’re not allowed to see that flow,
Don’t imagine yourself surfing the face,
Forget the horizon.”

“You are supposed to hug the desert floor,” says my head
“You can’t water every grain of sand with sunken eyes”
I must love the cactus, withholding nourishment
The car ran out of gas

Browns squelch, greenery whispered peace
Dry bones litter, fleshly beings had capacity
Lava rock scratches skin, cliffs held me up
Heat is not my friend, I loved the rain

“Remember the valley’s impression,” says my heart
“Remember what those moments held
Nourishment, hydration were plenty
You filled this vehicle”

“Problem was, you enjoyed the scenery around you
Promise of trust too alluring for a seeking heart
You feasted, yearning for peace
For love, you waited”

Feel sand under legs, back, and arms
The rock under your head
Look straight at the sun
With dry eyes

“Take all the courage you have left,” says my spirit
“To believe rains will come in days or weeks
Don’t drink from another’s well
They do not desire health”

“Why these sounds? You have a pretty picture,” they said
Breathing is sometimes allowed
As the weight presses down
“Forget how to run”

I remember believing doors would open to my knock
I remember the sun setting over crashing sea
I remember driving through mountains
First glimpsing the graceful meadow

Today, the sun will have to set over those far off mountains
Yes, darkness will come, night creatures loom
Cold will envelop, match the rock under head
I am to lay in wait here for tomorrow

A Cool Sip

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 11:52:42 -0700

Take a cool sip of water
Wait a few seconds
Let it flow over the tongue
Refresh the gums
Cool nerves
Reset tastebuds
Wet dry tissue

Let it all go

Gutters between cheek and gum become fluid streams
Moisture soothes the throat
Finds a path in esophagus
Feel the coat spread over stomach
Calms hunger pains and acids
Clean breath results

New words must wait
Rest and enjoy the chair’s rock
Eyes take in glints of sun on the rippled lake
Baby blades of green lay wide before the water’s edge
Distant mountains are green and grey layers blending into skies of sunset blue
Warmth envelops flesh

Nothing to do
Nowhere to go
Phone lays deathly silent
Emitting happiness in its quiet

The Sociopath In My Life

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 10:14:44 -0700

For all the
Understanding you
Can never seem to find, may God
Keep

You

From letting your sociopathic tendencies overflow onto others
That’s right; I finally found a diagnosis, though personal, for your screwed up world
It soothes my mind knowing why I understand crazy from the inside out
Something so virtually impossible to describe
So messed up that I had to hold onto Sanity with a Kung Fu grip in my youth
Anger and pain were the least of my worries
Don’t act so blindsided
Every time someone tells you the truth about what you’ve done
To the Hate you create in me,
I remove your power by instilling Love in all ways possible
I just can’t touch the burner that is your life
Nerves under scars remind

Your Coloring Book

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 11:04:08 -0700

These things color on my soul

We come from different places
It’s not your fault rock is hard to reshape
But your darkness etches a pattern on my heart
It became not okay to me to stay the same
When I noticed the stone carvings

These things color on my soul
Fading in shadowy reflections

We speak different languages
Our minds are on intersecting planes… at times
You see light and desire those forms of wholeness
Once, twice, more, you pledge to yourself
“I will make the steps to love myself”

These things color on my soul
Damage done in dark now seen in light

The depth of the dark water
In him is frightening, yet few see
He pretends the white sand beaches are his
Demands you sit under his umbrella
Or else you will be burned

The colored soul imprints the spirit
War between soul and spirit commence

My Protector promises I can rest
“Don’t worry. I gave you everything you need.”
Walk into lucidity with confidence and only choose to be happy
Forgetting in glass bottoms be no mainstay
Bravery is facing all head on

These things color on my spirit

Every day, see your hand
The Dealer dealt you a full house
Three cards “Life,” two cards “Death”
A win against most but not all
Grace comes forth in loss

These things color on my spirit
Rise to the challenge because you can

Whispered concerns floating
Around my head like pitying fools
Too many to personalize with unfolding truth
I want to scream the realities at hand
Am I okay with telephone?

These things color on my spirit
Glances and murmurs echo

Knocks answered at doors
Hearts opened and understanding
Rejection and hypocrisy become the safety
Distrust and forced vision overcome
Independence must restore

These things color on my soul
We dance in the unknown

Circumstances surround
No solutions to be found here
Screams are muted, weakness dictated
Strength found only alone
We can do this

These things color on my soul
Red, black, white, and yellow

Life and Death and
Heaven and glimmering
Speak that which you choose
Eminence holds these here
You have authority

These things color on my soul

Do not choose to fade
Shine brighter and louder
Bring out of the shadows those beings
Clawing to stay, dying to be seen
Arm in arm, walk together

You color on my soul
I color on yours

These are no Olympics
Leave me out of your games
Of mind and spirit and manipulation
I am no hurdler, maybe a runner
Still I race for a prize

These colors of my soul
These colors of my spirit

Holding Love's Hand

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 22:21:00 -0700

Sometimes your choice is whether to pursue Love in all its forms
Sometimes your choice is whether to pursue Love at hand instead

Love told me I needed to Love
That was it

If the English language wasn’t so limited,
You might understand my meaning

I gave myself over to Love
Other Love demands more than the share Love gave me

One Love supersedes and is greater than another
Some Love has never been held in my arms

Heartbreak comes in knowing Love not possessed
Does Love really say these cracks are not valid?

Solidified, a decision to Love
Forward movement then granted by Love

Layers of Love decided to change priority on their own

I will not be angry with Love, this my choice,
Though justification could be mounted against

Love saved, put aside for another time
The beauty of Love is its endurance

Love, whether She, They, or He,
Holds on for dear, sweet Life at the end of the road

Consider Her, ponder Him,
Keep asking if this is what Love desires

I always choose Love
No matter the appearance

Sometimes, pressure comes in choosing
One Love over another

I still refuse to believe in Love as you say He is
For Love makes sense in all Their fullness

I hold Love’s hand

To Those In My Society

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 17:07:34 -0700

I don’t too much understand
Why
Your busy schedule can’t slow down
You can’t walk a little slower
To catch those smiles from little ones that want to show you love
Flowers move a little differently in the wind
So get down, way down, laying flat on your stomach with chin on hands and watch the way one dances under the sun on a day like today, just an ordinary day
There’s no reason not to play

I do fully understand
What
It takes to be a present mom
A quick, dependable employee
But there’s no reason to miss all the good stuff along the way
Do a favor for a neighbor so they’ll watch your kids one night and you can take the hat off
A happy mom is a good mom
Take an hour to meditate and pray, maybe not even an hour, maybe just 10 or 20 minutes, but enough to breathe and let go before you pick things up again, because then you will pick up only the things you need
Take care of yourself

Out there
You have
War and malice and bad news
Broken streets and corrupt politicians
A drug war lost on me
Backwards logic like “war makes peace” and “freedom for the greedy makes for a reliable economy”
Injustice pushing its weight around
Schools without paper for their copiers
Things like freedom and liberty, held dear in this republic, that are trampled daily in the name of the God some of us worship
I believe He loves us
But I don’t believe He loves what we’ve done in His name

Inside yourself
You have
Peace in there somewhere, no matter how small
Capacity to speak life to at least your favorites, if not everyone
News of something good; I know it’s in there
Been healing from past wounds
Strength to speak up on issues that matter to you
Ability to be free of substances or addicted to a feeling
Your own mind to make up
A voice to speak for those who have been pushed down
A vote to right your education system
Hands to hold no one in bondage and to release the love of Christ without more than a few kind words
And, of course, you have the will to choose to hold onto faith, to hold onto hope, and believe, if only barely

I Gave It To You

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 10:11:42 -0700

You want it from me
It is much too precious to give to you

The reason understanding surely talks

There have been occasions
Where I let it be unwrapped
You would promise it was okay

Total restriction upon saying thoughts

Confusion comes when honesty is given
You say, “I will think no less of you”
Then you think less of me
I find my present re-gifted also

Thinking real unleashing starts tomorrow

I say, “You won’t like what I have to say”
You claim to be open
Why do I believe?

The repeated underlying sure thing

I just hope I can
Trust you with my trust

I Am Walking On

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 15:32:00 -0700

The pathway opens in understanding
The victory
The very essence of freedom
Begins at the intersection
Of knowledge and understanding

Wisdom given
Transports me to the peak of a hill
A hill like the one Laura Ingalls rolls down at the beginning of “Little House on the Prairie”
Or a vista, a lookout point
On the side of a road
With a wide view of the cavernous valley below
True wisdom gives one so much more to see

Relish the love
In the time taken
In the precious thought spoken
The caring heart shown
A proverbial hand extended
You pick me up
So I am righted
I am once again alive
Speak life

Understanding sends me running
Through boundless fields
Life really does have these moments
Thoughtfulness overrides the fear
Satisfaction in the hands of knowledge
Shelter,
A protector from harsh winds of judgment

From that base comes a peace
That can come from within when sought
But this peace is different
External tranquility adds surety
Good decisions are made
On foundations with strength

I am walking on

Alight With Right

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 14:28:43 -0700

When no one can give you
Any advice that makes sense

When you are alight with right
But you fall down at the road’s turn

You look up at stars
That forgot how to guide
But they sure do shine pretty

They say the path is straight
Even the most enlightened
Have to use a steering wheel

What can be your essence
Your dictations were meaningless

What lies way out ahead
Don’t forget to remember those times

We don our heads
On the cusp of emergence
Waiting for a recognizable sign

They say to follow your heart
Maybe the independent
End up floating alone at sea

All encouragement comes from that place
Of well-meaning and shoulds and ignorance
Many are welcome to join the wide populace
But I have always steered clear
So now I give it all a leer
One of these days I will buck the fear

Correct answer
Right way
Checked box
Sign on
You’re qualified!
You are qualified, I swear

Let Me Go

Sun, 27 May 2012 13:54:10 -0700

Please don’t depend on me for your freedom
God abundantly gives and takes away
It’s not my job to grant you security
My shoulders can’t take your life sway

Though I will disappoint you most every time,
I will hear your heart, give a shoulder to lean on
If I am what you hold on to in search of truth
It’s inevitable, sure that I will let you down

I am a person of flesh
As you are
I hold no power
That you don’t
I cry and hurt
As you do
I am always tempted
Like you are

If I am your hope
If I am your future
If I am your source
If I am your prize
You will be always at a loss
For these are greater than my size

God is the only one sure enough to be our hope
God is the only one that can guarantee a future
God is the only one undrainable as a true source
God is the only one steadfast, attainable prize
There is no other way
And certainly not through my life

How long will I cause you pain?
As long as you attach to my being
How many ways will I let you down?
As many as your all-in bets on me

When will I stop falling down in front of you?
As soon as I am not your only focus
When will your light shine eternally?
As time shows energy drawn not from part of us

Let me go
Find your own
Single source
Inside and know
Your line to tow
Depend on your
Faith and behold
The One to hold
You

Just Drive

Tue, 22 May 2012 23:15:00 -0700

Let’s drive to freedom, no end
Just drive, let our hair fly in wind
Let unseen waves ride with the palms of our hands
Sun floods in between trees and mountains
Let’s see where the windy road ends

There is a time to love
A time to “be there” for each other
But sometimes you shove
All aside for new order

Create the soundtrack from favorite CDs
Let go of cares, fly away on the breeze
Creating new epic memories
Like yesterday’s gone, no more to be seen
Create a tomorrow wholly carefree

One tall drink of spontaneity
Topped with a froth of joy and laughter
Sprinkled with a little glee
Draw a new sketch of what matters

Maybe we’ll let the sand meet our toes
Stack all our worries for the ocean to tow
Maybe listen as hills hold our echoes
Reaching wide as we can, sky to hold
Maybe catch a new wave, adventures unfold